September 2nd, 2004

(no subject)

I relise my last post was terrible and that's why I didn't get any replys. I didn't mean to sound that full of ego (I'd really like to obliterate my ego, it has done me no good, only led me to wallow in self pity and led others to believe that I think terribly high of myself which is not true at all.) I've had little luck with communties and lj in general lately as I've had trouble communicating. I just come across as some terrible pushy person when I really just want people to talk to me to keep my loneliness at bay. Right now I feel very lost and alone and I don't even know what to say but I'll try for something remotely intelligent. Beware of negativity, this is coming from a very stressed and depressed person, you may not want to hear it. I'm sure some of you will know where I'm coming from though. I was doing well, feeling confident and then it took a sudden downhill. This happens all the time to me, I should be used to it by now. Somehow you never get used to being bipolar.

For a while I had been reading extensively about shamanism, spirituality and synchronicity. I wish I felt like discussing my reading but I honestly don't. I don't feel like dealing with reality right now as is evidenced by the fact that I'm reading Silence of the Lambs. I was reading to learn, now I read to pass time. I try to study but my mind doesn't want to work and I feel very dull. I don't know what to do. All I do is sit alone listening to music, occasionally being online and sleep. And just a few weeks ago I was telling someone that I felt great about my life. Ha. Now I find myself thinking about Fight Club and the scene where Tyler lets go of the steering wheel. I feel like I'm in that car and like the narrator there is nothing good about my life. I do things that make no sense to me and things that make sad sense to me and no sense to other people. I don't want to be who I am right now. I'm a very unfufilled person who just isn't on the path she wants to be on and can't see a way to get there. I don't want to be here anymore. Sorry about this post...