December 12th, 2005

  • __mouse

Everyone you know, someda, will die.

  I'd rather be a normal person or dead. I'd rather be wondering around in corporate America convinced I could be happy if I'd just find an adorable boy and bought a cool sweater. I fucking hate this existance. I have all my brilliant thoughts and philosophies and understandings and feelings and for what? Revolution and all that. I couldn't do it, we couldn't do it, the world is crap, we're out numbered, and anyone who's sat down long enough to think about should've realized even then this existence is nothing but trivial tangible nausea. I'm tired of the shackles of inaccurate and demeaning language. Everytime someone tells me I'm articulate I want to hide in a cave. I'm tired of measurable time and it's stresses. I'm tired of the tethers of this stupid sick tired insecure hurting shaking hungry body and it's limited hideous brain. The whole thing's a ludicrous charade and my stupid blood-fileld flesh crawls. I want to be fucking euthenized already. The human race disgusts me, the pain and ugliness and fear and depsair in the world is near the only thing I feel and that hardly makes me fond of this, again, stupid fucking existance. To feel good you must feel bad; balac\nce, yin and yang to a throrough degree is my basis for philosophy, but it does not feel balanced. Bad hurts and good confuses. For humans happiness is the most difficult emotion to process, and sadness and anger the most convenient and throrough. Everything feels ruled by ignorant tyranny that makes the world believe in original sin. I am going to have to live the next 60-70 years of my life forcing myself through every mediocre and steadily more draining measurement. That or I'll die young having already given up on writing books and opening eyes and singing songs. I know why the greats kill themselves. To the world I sound like a depressed teenager. Angst? I know more at 17 then they'll ever fathom even in dreams by the time they die. Where is my whole together knowing and free existence? Pointlessness is not a point, and I hate my humanity for making me instictually need one. Need anything. This is not the way I'm meant to be. Nothing fits, I don't belong in this. Protests and passionate essays will not get me through th rest of this life. So what now? Save the world? For what, so they can suffer like I do? What are we set up for? I deserve to know, I know i do. I keep waiting for something to change, to become clear. For something ridiculous like a Hogwarts letter to come or to wake up in middle earth or as a cartoon or something random my mind's limited to expecting from alternate existentialism. What crap, this typing, this headache, my teeth clenched, I can't stand it. So what now, what the fuck now? I feel betrayed.

And you know what else, there aren't as many indigo children as people like to think. Every human wants to think they're special and when they're a brat they think, oh, I dont go with society, i'm m,eant to change the world, yada yada...I tyr to do some research for at the very least someone real to tell me how to feel okay. I don't feel like I iowe anyone anything, i don't feel like i iowe the world saving grace because it lets itself destroy. PEople writing about it trying to give guidence, I mean seriously, any of you not ignorant evern take orders? They completely contradict everything. Copy and paste a fucking list of requiremnts and then ask us to give them 10 bucks to tell us our fate? Are you kidding? We're fucking superior, and it's as utterly pointless as they're inferiority, only the few of who really see these things get to stumble awkwardly, not belonging, through life and try to fulfil some prophecy they list themselves as not qualified to make? FUCK OFF. So i sound self-righteous and arrogant. I am. If I'm wrong, so be it, again, pointless. I am so very aggravated, and I'm sorry I'm flipping out on you guys, especially since a lot of you are peaceful aura junkies...I'm sorry. This is the closest I expect to get to being understood, but I don't even think it'll work here. Idnigo Chrildren...they're just words. Everything's throroughly overlooked and exploited to human-tangible symbolism anyway. Sigh.
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